Depression and Finding Joy in the Journey

There is no way to wrap up the feelings I've had over the past 8 months into one blog post.  It's been quite an emotional journey!  From coming home off my mission and having to start school again, to getting into my first relationship post mission and having to deal with all the other adjustments that come from post mission life, it's been quite an adventure!  and I must say looking back, I had no idea in those moments how rewarding this process would be.  It has been VERY HARD, to say the least.  There were times when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel when it came to school work, getting adjusted, dating and hoping to get married, etc.  I've learned a lot though, through all those difficult experiences:  I've learned that it is not the destination, but the path which we take, which brings us joy in this life.  For the last 8 months, I've tried to wish my current life away, thinking to myself, "I will be happy when I'm finally married" or, "...when I'm graduated" or, "when I lose ten pounds." or even "I wish I were back on the mission."  It's funny, because I never expected that I would say those things, and yet, I did.  I wanted nothing more than to be past this part of my life and to be living the dream: a wife, graduated, running my art business, with 10 kids on the way, lol.  But, I've learned a great lesson.  In the words of Elder Wirthlin: "Come what may and love it." I wasn't doing this.  I wasn't loving my ward, my housing, my classes.  I wasn't enjoying life, at least not to the fullest.  I enjoyed it when I was doing something worth enjoying.  But now, after eight months of being home, I have finally discovered my purpose and that is to do as the new title of my blog states: find joy in the journey.  Live my life to the fullest.  It doesn't matter whether I'm the prettiest, smartest, or funnest person in the world, but it matters that I am doing my best, trying to be obedient and seeking to serve and love others.  I realized during this 8 months, that no matter how badly I wanted to run away and hide, the solution to my problems was always the opposite: to face them head on, with head held high and with bravery, desire, and hope.  I suppose in looking back, you could say I experienced many of the signs and symptoms of a depressed person, and I must admit, I'm pretty sure that throughout those eight months, and maybe even longer, I really was depressed.  But something recently has changed... something that started because of the kind words of two lovely sisters in my ward: the Andelin sisters.  Boy are they sweethearts!  Though I had been feeling like the lowest creature on the earth, unworthy of anyone's time or attention, the Andelin sisters helped me to see what I was.  These two, as well as the other special people in my life: Mary Linford, who so kindly reminded me of who I really was, Ben Sellers, who patiently listened to me as I tried to figure things out, JD Conway, who offered the most spiritual of advice, Celia Raleigh, Jon Hendricks, the bishop's counselor's wife, my visiting teachee Elizabeth, my roommates Anna and Becca, my Aunt Diane, my Mom and Dad, Heavenly Father. All of these wonderful people have played a role in helping me through the last 8 months.  All of them have lifted me, guided me, cared for me, listened to me, and in some way or another, have helped me to remember who I am.  I am a daughter of royal birth: the daughter of a King, and I have within me, the seeds of Godhood.  I have a bright future, one I can look forward to with happiness and hope and joy.  It was thanks to the kind encouraging compliments of these people, and more specifically, the Andelin sisters, which finally helped me to see what I wasn't seeing.  Every time I would see these two, they would remind me, tirelessly, of my great qualities.  It would surprise me to hear them say such things, and finally I realized that I would refute them every time.  I realized that I was probably coming across as really negative and how annoying that must be! I decided to make a goal to stop, and you know what, it has made all the difference!  That simple decision has led me to finally leave behind the fear, the dark, the sadness I've been feeling over the last 8 months.  It has helped me to begin to see the future with hope and gratitude for a change.  In just two short weeks, since I made that decision (and since my dear friend Jeff stopped being my friend) I have made such a change.  Instead of darkness I see light.  Where once lack of desire or motivation was, they now exist.  Replacing hopelessness and desire to escape, I feel hope and a desire to work and to improve.  I feel that I must have been letting Satan have control of my thoughts, and had been allowing him to convince me of who I wasn't and to beat me down and tear away my hope.  I was able to see past that now and feel, literally, that my soot covered glasses have been cleaned and now glisten with brightness!  It's amazing the difference that has been made.  I feel like a new person! I am happy, fresh, and new! I have purpose, desire, drive, passion again.  The things I had lost in myself are now back! I am who I am again! ME: Kellie Colleen Steinbeigle. I finally started to love being me again. I love it! I was feeling unloved in relationships, like I was nothing but a burden.  But now I cherish and enjoy them again! Anyway, this blog was not meant to be quite how it has turned out, but I suppose that is the joy of what I've been feeling lately in comparison to the things I have been feeling.  My gratitude to my Savior is even full, for I realize how low I was feeling and how high he has been able to bring me up!  Only through his mercy, truly! How grateful I am for a Savior who loves us so much, He will work and work to try to get us to see who we are!  If Satan is allowed to make us forget, we will not have the hope or motivation to become who we are really capable of being.  I realized that this past couple weeks.  If Satan is allowed to enter our minds and make us feel a lack of self worth and self confidence: he has taken everything.  If we don't love ourselves, then we won't do the things necessary to make ourselves into the type of person our Heavenly Father wants us to be.  What a great lesson this has been for me!  He is crafty and clever, and he almost had me, but victory is ours! mine and my Saviors!  He has helped me to see the dirty tricks of the devil and overcome.  Ha ha, I saw a divine comedy episode lately (a BYU comedy group) in which a skit was done similar to their original "shoulder angel" skit.  It, however, is the opposite: a shoulder devil.  In the skit, the fat, red, shoulder devil climbs on another man's shoulder and tries to tempt him to do bad. The boy rationalizes that it doesn't make sense to do bad.  But, in order to please the shoulder angel, he steals a "Bit O Honey" Next, an old lady walks by and drops her wallet, and the shoulder devil tries to get him to steal her wallet.  As the boy is trying to bend over with the shoulder devil on his back, he falls to the ground. The old woman thinks he has tried to help her by picking up the wallet and gives him a reward for doing so. Surprised, he gets back up and the shoulder devil is confused.  Another thing or two happen to the boy from people who are rewarding him for the good they thought he was trying to do.  He realizes, of course, that it IS better to do good after all, and he abandons the poor shoulder devil and goes back to pay for what he stole.  The shoulder devil is forced to find a new victim and ends up chasing after the old woman: but she beats him over the head with her cane.  It may have seemed like a silly spoof, but it is also something that helped me to realize what I had been allowing to happen: letting Satan control my thoughts about how I viewed my own self worth.  When I realized that, just as the boy in the skit, all I had to do was be stronger than the devil and leave him behind.  He will have no other choice, but to try to go find another to tempt, and will finally leave you alone, because he knows he can't get to you.  It is in our moments of weakness that we allow him in.  It is at those times that we must draw even closer to our Savior, relying more and more upon him.  Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts these past couple of weeks regarding the feelings I was having about myself and how I've finally been able to overcome that!  It's been a wonderful week for this reason.  I've felt that renewed sense of who i really am and that I CAN do hard things.  Everything has finally come back! My desire, my confidence, my stamina, my determination, my ability to cope, my happiness, my hope, my understanding, my joy. Thus, I have decided to re-title my blog: Finding joy in the journey, because THAT, my friends, is the lesson I have learned after 8 long months of post mission depression.  EIGHT months to figure things out!  But at least, I have finally made it here!  I am so happy to understand, to be here.  I know I am where I belong after all.  There will still be difficulties of course, but now I know how to better face them.  I am happier and more prepared and am ready and willing to take each day as it comes, and live my life to the fullest! 
That was a LONG post to try and summarize 8 months.  I will try to go back and update past entries so that things may be more coherent. :)
can I end this with: "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen?"
healthy habit. ;)