Come What May and Love It-Heavenly Father has a plan!

Today I ran into a little book, while spending too much time shopping for groceries at Macey's, called something like Dance before you can't do it anymore... or something like that. It just had a collection of little statements and quotes to help the reader remember what's most important in this life.  In perusing its pages, I saw little tidbits like: Before you can't anymore, remember to let go of pride; to not be hasty to win an argument; to be slow to judge those around you; and when opportunity arises to speak ill of others, resist the temptation.  It had other things like: Cherish every word that leaves your lovers lips, make the most of every moment with those you love; don't miss an opportunity to tell them you love them, etc.  But the one that caught my eye today, and brought me JOY was the one that said that Heavenly Father knew the plan for my life. That was all it needed to say.  Over the holiday break, I began to worry more about what I was going to do with my future. Graduation is coming up (I still don't know when, but it's finally getting close) and I have no plans as far as what I'm going to do for a job, where I'm going to work, live, etc. I've also been worried about trying to figure out where I should live this Winter semeseter, be it where I currently am, or where I'm trying to get into as a roommate with my good friend Kim.  I can't seem to find a buyer, however, for my current contract, which means I may be stuck here and not get to live with her afterall... which would be sad, as she has already begun moving her things into our would-be shared room.  On top of that, a few friends  have taken an interest in helping me find someone to date/(hopefully marry) and that is another stressor I wish to not think about.  Who will I marry and when? Which classes should I take? When will I graduate? Where will I live? What will I do?  So many questions and "unsure"ities about the future are often part of our lives and daily worries. So, you can imagine how grateful I was for that tiny little reminder today at the store that even though I DON'T know all the answers to what will happen in my future, Heavenly Father knows the plan for my life.  He knows. So, every bit of confusion or "unsure"ity that enters my mind He is aware of.  Another phrase entered my mind as I sat pondering the thought tonight, a phrase I may often refer to by the late Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stating: "Come What May and Love It." Sometimes his is hard! I live in a place I'm slightly fond of with roommates that are okay and a ward that is fine and classes that are hard, etc. (Not that I'm complaining) There is nothing wrong with any of these people, places, or things, but they just aren't my first choice, or my favorite, or where I'd hoped to be, nor with whom. But sometimes life just gives us what we don't expect, and maybe what we don't even want.  What we need, instead of what we think we need. Though I am in a place and situation less than ideal in my mind, Heavenly Father knows the plan for my life.  He knows where I am most apt to thrive, what situations will help me to grow the most, what people will give me the most opportunity to help and serve, and maybe where I want to be and where I think I should be just doesn't quite fit in with Heavenly Father's plan for me.  and if that's the case, "Come what may, and I will learn to love it." Not exactly what Elder Wirthlin said, lol, but it's the best I can do sometimes! I definitely appreciate these two statements, and though the saying by Elder Wirthlin is one I have been working to master since I first heard it, I still have a LOT to learn on the subject of loving whatever comes our way.  But I am thankful for the little lessons along the way that help me to get there. I must be happy with who I am, where, and who I live with and am surrounded by.  Perhaps there are opportunities for growth and service there that I never would have expected.  There great thing is that "Heavenly Father knows the plan for my life."  Wherever I am right now, I sure hope and pray, is exactly where He intended me to be, and even if not, "Come what may and love it." I can still follow his plan by learning to make the best of it!
Anyway, so I'm grateful for today's tidbit of JOY, a reminder that no matter what the circumstances, location, confusion about the future, "unsure"ness, etc. that Heavenly Father knows the plan and that because of that I CAN love whatever may come. How grateful I am for his concern and care with each one of us. I sure love Him for the ways He finds to enrich our lives and help us to remember that He is always there. What JOY his great plan, whether I know it all the way right now or not, brings to my life, and what JOY is sure to come, despite the "who"s and "where"s and "how"s, as we learn to love whatever people and places and things his plan brings to us.
I wish I could have stated that all a bit more poetically, but being the amateur writer that I am, it will have to do.  I leave you with my testimony of the all knowing wisdom Heavenly Father has. From how to create worlds without end, to the tiniest, tenderest thoughts and feelings of our hearts and minds.  He knows which paths will bring us the most happiness in life and I know that we simply have to trust in Him, though the future is often unsure, and He will guide and direct us in the way that will bring us once again into his presence for eternity.  I am grateful for his plan. I know it is true, and I know that He knows and loves each and every one of you, too! Trust is Him! Love whatever comes! He knows the way!

Depression and Finding Joy in the Journey

There is no way to wrap up the feelings I've had over the past 8 months into one blog post.  It's been quite an emotional journey!  From coming home off my mission and having to start school again, to getting into my first relationship post mission and having to deal with all the other adjustments that come from post mission life, it's been quite an adventure!  and I must say looking back, I had no idea in those moments how rewarding this process would be.  It has been VERY HARD, to say the least.  There were times when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel when it came to school work, getting adjusted, dating and hoping to get married, etc.  I've learned a lot though, through all those difficult experiences:  I've learned that it is not the destination, but the path which we take, which brings us joy in this life.  For the last 8 months, I've tried to wish my current life away, thinking to myself, "I will be happy when I'm finally married" or, "...when I'm graduated" or, "when I lose ten pounds." or even "I wish I were back on the mission."  It's funny, because I never expected that I would say those things, and yet, I did.  I wanted nothing more than to be past this part of my life and to be living the dream: a wife, graduated, running my art business, with 10 kids on the way, lol.  But, I've learned a great lesson.  In the words of Elder Wirthlin: "Come what may and love it." I wasn't doing this.  I wasn't loving my ward, my housing, my classes.  I wasn't enjoying life, at least not to the fullest.  I enjoyed it when I was doing something worth enjoying.  But now, after eight months of being home, I have finally discovered my purpose and that is to do as the new title of my blog states: find joy in the journey.  Live my life to the fullest.  It doesn't matter whether I'm the prettiest, smartest, or funnest person in the world, but it matters that I am doing my best, trying to be obedient and seeking to serve and love others.  I realized during this 8 months, that no matter how badly I wanted to run away and hide, the solution to my problems was always the opposite: to face them head on, with head held high and with bravery, desire, and hope.  I suppose in looking back, you could say I experienced many of the signs and symptoms of a depressed person, and I must admit, I'm pretty sure that throughout those eight months, and maybe even longer, I really was depressed.  But something recently has changed... something that started because of the kind words of two lovely sisters in my ward: the Andelin sisters.  Boy are they sweethearts!  Though I had been feeling like the lowest creature on the earth, unworthy of anyone's time or attention, the Andelin sisters helped me to see what I was.  These two, as well as the other special people in my life: Mary Linford, who so kindly reminded me of who I really was, Ben Sellers, who patiently listened to me as I tried to figure things out, JD Conway, who offered the most spiritual of advice, Celia Raleigh, Jon Hendricks, the bishop's counselor's wife, my visiting teachee Elizabeth, my roommates Anna and Becca, my Aunt Diane, my Mom and Dad, Heavenly Father. All of these wonderful people have played a role in helping me through the last 8 months.  All of them have lifted me, guided me, cared for me, listened to me, and in some way or another, have helped me to remember who I am.  I am a daughter of royal birth: the daughter of a King, and I have within me, the seeds of Godhood.  I have a bright future, one I can look forward to with happiness and hope and joy.  It was thanks to the kind encouraging compliments of these people, and more specifically, the Andelin sisters, which finally helped me to see what I wasn't seeing.  Every time I would see these two, they would remind me, tirelessly, of my great qualities.  It would surprise me to hear them say such things, and finally I realized that I would refute them every time.  I realized that I was probably coming across as really negative and how annoying that must be! I decided to make a goal to stop, and you know what, it has made all the difference!  That simple decision has led me to finally leave behind the fear, the dark, the sadness I've been feeling over the last 8 months.  It has helped me to begin to see the future with hope and gratitude for a change.  In just two short weeks, since I made that decision (and since my dear friend Jeff stopped being my friend) I have made such a change.  Instead of darkness I see light.  Where once lack of desire or motivation was, they now exist.  Replacing hopelessness and desire to escape, I feel hope and a desire to work and to improve.  I feel that I must have been letting Satan have control of my thoughts, and had been allowing him to convince me of who I wasn't and to beat me down and tear away my hope.  I was able to see past that now and feel, literally, that my soot covered glasses have been cleaned and now glisten with brightness!  It's amazing the difference that has been made.  I feel like a new person! I am happy, fresh, and new! I have purpose, desire, drive, passion again.  The things I had lost in myself are now back! I am who I am again! ME: Kellie Colleen Steinbeigle. I finally started to love being me again. I love it! I was feeling unloved in relationships, like I was nothing but a burden.  But now I cherish and enjoy them again! Anyway, this blog was not meant to be quite how it has turned out, but I suppose that is the joy of what I've been feeling lately in comparison to the things I have been feeling.  My gratitude to my Savior is even full, for I realize how low I was feeling and how high he has been able to bring me up!  Only through his mercy, truly! How grateful I am for a Savior who loves us so much, He will work and work to try to get us to see who we are!  If Satan is allowed to make us forget, we will not have the hope or motivation to become who we are really capable of being.  I realized that this past couple weeks.  If Satan is allowed to enter our minds and make us feel a lack of self worth and self confidence: he has taken everything.  If we don't love ourselves, then we won't do the things necessary to make ourselves into the type of person our Heavenly Father wants us to be.  What a great lesson this has been for me!  He is crafty and clever, and he almost had me, but victory is ours! mine and my Saviors!  He has helped me to see the dirty tricks of the devil and overcome.  Ha ha, I saw a divine comedy episode lately (a BYU comedy group) in which a skit was done similar to their original "shoulder angel" skit.  It, however, is the opposite: a shoulder devil.  In the skit, the fat, red, shoulder devil climbs on another man's shoulder and tries to tempt him to do bad. The boy rationalizes that it doesn't make sense to do bad.  But, in order to please the shoulder angel, he steals a "Bit O Honey" Next, an old lady walks by and drops her wallet, and the shoulder devil tries to get him to steal her wallet.  As the boy is trying to bend over with the shoulder devil on his back, he falls to the ground. The old woman thinks he has tried to help her by picking up the wallet and gives him a reward for doing so. Surprised, he gets back up and the shoulder devil is confused.  Another thing or two happen to the boy from people who are rewarding him for the good they thought he was trying to do.  He realizes, of course, that it IS better to do good after all, and he abandons the poor shoulder devil and goes back to pay for what he stole.  The shoulder devil is forced to find a new victim and ends up chasing after the old woman: but she beats him over the head with her cane.  It may have seemed like a silly spoof, but it is also something that helped me to realize what I had been allowing to happen: letting Satan control my thoughts about how I viewed my own self worth.  When I realized that, just as the boy in the skit, all I had to do was be stronger than the devil and leave him behind.  He will have no other choice, but to try to go find another to tempt, and will finally leave you alone, because he knows he can't get to you.  It is in our moments of weakness that we allow him in.  It is at those times that we must draw even closer to our Savior, relying more and more upon him.  Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts these past couple of weeks regarding the feelings I was having about myself and how I've finally been able to overcome that!  It's been a wonderful week for this reason.  I've felt that renewed sense of who i really am and that I CAN do hard things.  Everything has finally come back! My desire, my confidence, my stamina, my determination, my ability to cope, my happiness, my hope, my understanding, my joy. Thus, I have decided to re-title my blog: Finding joy in the journey, because THAT, my friends, is the lesson I have learned after 8 long months of post mission depression.  EIGHT months to figure things out!  But at least, I have finally made it here!  I am so happy to understand, to be here.  I know I am where I belong after all.  There will still be difficulties of course, but now I know how to better face them.  I am happier and more prepared and am ready and willing to take each day as it comes, and live my life to the fullest! 
That was a LONG post to try and summarize 8 months.  I will try to go back and update past entries so that things may be more coherent. :)
can I end this with: "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen?"
healthy habit. ;)

Test-Finding Joy in the Journey

This is a test to see if I can post something today: December 13, 2011, but mark it for a past date, like... let's say April 8, 2011, the day I arrived in the states from my mission. The reason for this is because I have a lot of past photos and things I'd like to "blog" about, for example, mission entries, not to mention all the great things that have happened to me post-mission! I want to blog about them all! I've never really had much time for blogging, nor have I really ever known much what to blog about. However, today, as I was looking through some of the old pictures in my camera and was wondering what to do with them, I realized: BLOG! There are so many single images I took with one person on some random day and I think the best way I can remember those moments is to blog about them! It's perfect! Now, I've debated for a while whether or not to do this and if so, how, because I already have my journal which I use to write down the things I'm feeling, but it just finally clicked is all. My blog doesn't necessarily have to be my journal, because there are a lot of personal things that go in there, but it can be more for the fun moments in life... I think I've decided on a new title for my blog: finding joy in the journey... I mean... I feel, really, that that is what life is all about: finding joy in all the little moments that make up our days and our lives. It's not about getting to the end as fast as possible, but about making every day important, and finding ways to find enjoyment and fulfillment daily. I mean, in the end, life won't be made a certificate saying "Congratulations, you did it!" but it will be a conglomeration of all the experiences, friendships, hardships, achievements, good days, bad days, realizations, learnings, etc. that have made up our existence. After all, eternity is not a destination: it is a journey. :)